I think I won the penis lottery.
I am not speculating about which disney princesses do and do not have gag reflexes
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
She dumped a fish bowl of alcohol on herself. Just like flash dance.
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
Randomize
