Kelly went into her room with Dave, but is moaning Tommy...
We just picked up about 540 lbs of women....
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
He is now tagging himself in my pics from last year where he is barely visable in the corner. i feel like he's marking his territory.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
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