Being 21 is my favorite hobby I'm really good at it
it was like eating out sand paper
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
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