My hand turned me down
her vagina looked like a handful of raisins.
I'm not ready for the Pike bikes to move back in to town it was wonderful seeing that sorority house empty all summer
... I'm KD
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
Complete silence. Background Willy Wonka music. An empty back of Lay's BBQ chips. These are the ingredients for an extreme acid trip.
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
We took it as we must go to waffle house or else we will upset the gods.
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
Randomize
