he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
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