i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
threw up outside of the dorms in the parking lot in the pouring rain on the first day of class, i'd say summer is off to a good start.
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
I'm in the smoking section between a transvestite molly dealer and a group of juggalos. I shouldn't be that hard to find.
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
Randomize
