if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.
I'm going to teach Troy such valuable life lessons. Yesterday I told him to stay away from girls who drink redbull and vodkas.
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
I took a pregnancy test at Pancheros a bit ago.
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
Randomize
