You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
Don't worry, I'm taking the best gay radar in the World, my sister's boobs. All guy who is not looking at them, it's fair play for us.
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
On a scale of 1 to alcoholic in withdrawal how ready will you be to start drinking as soon as you arrive on campus?
Randomize
