your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
Like what? And no, shrooms cannot be party favors.
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
Randomize
