Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
He yanked my breathe right strip off in the middle of me riding him.
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
Randomize
