Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
I don't know. I was hiding and the bed was banging. I am going to sleep now in someone's car.
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
This is like a walk of shame down memory lane.
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
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