Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
But he's not just anonymous male genitalia anymore. I've met him, I've seen his face.
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
Randomize
