literally had 100 drinks last night.
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
If a guy called my cleavage "mesmerizing" but is kinda related to me, does it still count?
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
We're all just looking at each other quietly, hoping that no one brings up last nights shenanigans.
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
I’m tired of his bullshit and premature ejaculation. I’m going to hotel bars and finding a guy who is DTF
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