i want to bang the Snorg tees girl.. shes always smiling ;)
What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
Would jacking off with Benadryl cream be good or bad for the poison oak on my dick?
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
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