Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
Threesomes are so awesome. You even have company on your walk of shame :)
you told me to make out with him to promote the social success of the sorority
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
The first thing I did in 2015 was suck a dick.....so.....
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
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