On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
Wish you were here....
And I wish your mouth was around my cock, but that never happens, does it?
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
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