He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
Got into the physics lab with my student id, hooked up over break when school was closed. I regret no payments for tuition.
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.
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