If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
I don't know how I feel about the stuff we got from that guy. Me and Monty are driving through town listening to static at full blast...
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
I'm glad your nude photos turned out "classy" but you cannot hang them in the living room.
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
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