i already hear my dad disowning me
matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
So chef boyardee smells exactly the same after you throw it up
i literally discovered the exact same thing last week. i had the lasagna one
ravioli
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
Never joke about your clitoris.
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
Randomize
