apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
im really going to miss that car, so many blow jobs...
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
I pulled up iMessage on my computer and I'm pretty sure two people in my class saw that dick pic you sent. Sorry!
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
Just introduced myself to a group of people and one dude said "You're Marc!? I've heard many a legend of you." I raised bottle of champagne, said cheers, and drank with them.
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Randomize
