I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
that's all we do, eat and hve sex, eat and have sex. he thinks it's bad and that we need to talk more or whatever but I'm just not seeing the problem...
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
So do I get to ride the beginning of the November stache or what?
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize