don't get me wrong, i love how you're fun and free spirited. but there are some situations...like shooting down a bottle of sambuca standing in the shallow end topless surrounded by my friends
She's dressed as a slutty Dalmatian. I doubt she has morals.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
the raccoons are back...
Randomize
