wow. When I'm done with him he's going to have to pop his collar in necessity and not just douchery
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
We created a neighborhood watchdog drinking game
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
I fucking hate humanity. I met a twenty three year old adult with an aol email account today. I'm not sure how those things are related, but I'm sure they are.
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
