I feel great
I just peed on a car
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
There's always one sober annoying person at a party. I hate responsible people. I just wanted to show everyone my nipples. There cute. She didn't have to stop me
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
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