My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
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