I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
Sounds good. Look at us. Planning sex like proper adults.
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
It will pretty much be equal to the feeling I had when you let me hold your dick while you were peeing, or when I graduated high school!
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
He loves blowjobs.. were meant for each other.
Randomize
