Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
Yes, she did suck your dick in the bathroom to wake you up.
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
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