We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
well he has a gf so if he picks me up tonight i'll only him finger me
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
I've never known a guy to fuck more random girls in the ass then Dom. His rectal kill ratio is at like 85%
He's like the Derek Jeter of Anal
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
i am risking my non lesbian vagina for your needs. i better be the best friend you ever had
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