you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
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