3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
We video chatted for almost two hours. But I woke up with puke on my keyboard. The question of the day: were we still chatting when I vommed? No idea.
I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
They really brought out their best strippers for vday weekend
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
