my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
I had so many friends before that round of Never Have I Ever.
bruce springsteen sings some of the most romantic songs i've ever heard.
the hells wrong with u
i just woke up in the hallway. not my hallway. i officially raise my hand to be DD next week.
I don't know which is worse: knowing all the free porn websites, or knowing which days they update their free porn.
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.
I did the walk of shame wearing his scrubs. Fucking med school students is the way to go.
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
Randomize