I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
I'm pretty sure ignoring the person that just sent you a picture of their boobs is bad nude etiquette.
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
Randomize
