enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
it's all fun and games until somebody pulls the tampon string..
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
Randomize
