I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
Randomize
