Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
they need to just BURY HIM!
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
Two words: blizzard sex
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
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