College reaches a new low. We just carved a shot glass out of a potatoe.
She said to delete the bj video, but I accidentally hit the 'send to her bf' button. My bad
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
Drink drank drunk tankkkkn, LETS GO
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
Randomize
