I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
I don't know how I'm gonna do that tomorrow. I feel like I was hit by the motorhome. LOL I WAS.
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
Get here, there are important joints to be smoked and pies to be eaten
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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