so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
Soo time for a life change, my 6 yr old sister made my gf a puke bucket for her birthday
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
