I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
Nights of college: 1. Virgins: 1. Yes.
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
whoooo knowwsss what george of the jungle juice is but i feel like im in the promised land
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
Qdoba locked their bathrooms last night.. I suppose so people didn't pee all over them? I considered it counter productive considering I just peed on the outside of their building then. I had to pee
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
My good Christian morals say no, but my complete disregard of anything related to religion says yes
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