Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
At first i thought she was a sexily dressed toddler. but not in a pedophile way, in a really on drugs way
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
His idea of hot sex is sticking his finger in my dark star while doing me Missionary style. You can tell he's from the Bible Belt.
Does he smell like BBQ?
Inside and out.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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