My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
You know were out to late when I call my hook up at 8:08pm and 8:08am in the same night.
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
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