Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
I didn't ask for a picture of your soft dick.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
Randomize
