im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
No one showed up yet so I smoked 4:20 on chatroulette with a naked chick..
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
sweet sixteen by hillary duff just came on and i feel like i let lizzie mcguire down for being such a stoner
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
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