That's intense
I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
So apparently I ended up throwing my clothes in the toilet after getting kicked out of TQ and ran around the neighborhood in my boxers. Works gonna suck hard once this hangover kicks in. Also: I lost a shoe so looks like flipflops for the rest of winter
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
She was two things I dont understand: tall and Christian
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
