so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
Anyway, it's clearly a shapeshifting vagina/AT-AT, which I never said I was SEXUALLY attracted to. Just that I liked it.
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
so i was thinking... those 6 am shots weren't really needed.
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
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