update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
accomplished twins. life is a go
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
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