so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
I know how vodka works Grace. I'm drunk, not stupid.
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
i may have just googled 'is philly rioting right now'
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Randomize
