We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
Found my puke from September encrusted to the floor under the dresser while cleaning before move out ..... Oh Freshman year
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
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