Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
just tried to puke while my RA was trying to puke in the stall next to me.bonded for life
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
you had a pretty long talk with your shrooms in attempt to make them not give you a bad trip, it failed
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
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