:( I'm sorry!!!
sexual favors sorry?
absolutely not
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
the tile , carpet , walls , cabinets , even the ceiling ... there is Jello everywhere
it was your idea to have indoor Jello wrestling man
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
Came out of blackout state to the curtains torn down & the headboard laid on top of him. & yes he was still breathing
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
Randomize
