why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
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