o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
i cant finish this easy-mac because i need it for a chaser.
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
i am risking my non lesbian vagina for your needs. i better be the best friend you ever had
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