i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
"Hung over, tired and having a faint scent of some body butter and random pieces of glitter from a girl named gigi, almost arrested in drug bust, $40 Canadian in my pocket and all i got was this lousy Tshirt" shirts dont exist, but they need to
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
Randomize
