you traded sex for a burrito?
i wish my penis had a tongue
I'm getting drunk watching the disney channel. Is this a main reason why we aren't together anymore?
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
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