I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
This is random but I just wanted to thank you for all the things you taught me sexually in life.
yeah....try hearing them in person. it sounds like two muppets going at it
Randomize