It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
Totally uneven. One tiny pussy lip that almost didn't exist and one giant lip that unfurled liked 5 different times half way down her leg and could have been used to hoist the mainsail on a pirate ship.
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
Randomize
