not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
Randomize
