the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
How can something that makes you feel so good one day make you feel so bad the next?
Alcohol?
Sex with a fat chick.
you would have Pina Colada flavored saliva.
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
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