i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
I come back home for break and my room is full of weed either my parents really love me or they are having more fun then I am in college
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
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